Change

My plan was to post far more then I have been.  I think about my blog........basically everyday. I think about words that I want to say and things that I want to share constantly but it always seems that the day gets away from me. 

 I have really been struggling with being tired.  I am seriously ready for bed by 6pm.  It's a struggle to make it through bedtime routine with the kids, we do it, and I say that's a win every night, but it takes everything in me to get that 2nd or 3rd book read before they go to sleep.  So basically by the time I get the kids in bed I head to bed myself. 

Some of you that are close to me know this is a HUGE step backwards for me. A little over a year ago I changed my nutrition.  I cut out soda and put the best nutrition I could into my body.  This was the best thing I could have done for myself.  I had so much energy, I slept great, and I dropped 25lbs.  

Felt great and looked great.

  Although, I am still using that same nutrition daily it appears the chemo has  taken from me in 2 months what I worked for a year to have.  

I have dark circles under my eyes again, puffy face, and as I have already mentioned I am exhausted all the time!

To top all of that off...........I am gaining weight back and quickly.   I am currently blaming the steroids.  When I did chemo education (yep, you get a whole educational course on what to expect during chemo) they told me that I would gain 10-15lbs in water weight from the steroids but they made it seem like that would come off within a few days of the steroids leaving my body each week but it doesn't seem that is the case. 

 Now I am the first person to admit I have consumed more calories then I should during the days following chemo because again those damn steroids make you feel like you are STARVING.  My best friend refers to it as the steroid monster.  I will eat your food, and there food, and  my own food. 

 Even with the calories I am consuming during the few days following treatment I am still getting plenty of walking in at work and  I have been working really hard at consuming less once the steroid effect is gone, but yesterday I noticed the dreaded chin.  We all know it, the neck gets fatter and the fat under the chin starts to hang a little lower.  You have to stick the chin out even more during a selfie to avoid the.......

yeah, It's BACK. Maybe not to this extreme but it's on it's way! 

Friends,and my moms, and Rob keep telling me that I will loose it again.  To not worry about it right now.  It's hard to tell yourself not to worry about it when some days it feels like this will  never be over! 

AND 

lets just me honest........eventually I will not have any breasts and all I keep imagining is this huge belly sticking out and nothing to compensate.  I mean I can't be the only person who judges her weight based on how much belly she can see when looking straight down.  The boobs really help out with hiding the tummy.  This will not always be the case for me.  

I am not alone because this was on the internet....someone else thinks like me. 

All humor aside I am afraid to fight for myself again.  I have done it before.  After a really really hard break up from Blakelee's father.  I lost myself for a while.  I lost who I was.   I found myself but it took years.  Each year I gained another piece of me but I truly feel that a year and a half ago when I decided I wanted to be the healthiest I have ever been is when life really started taking flight again. I had a new passion for my kids and what I wanted to provide in there life and I had a new passion for myself and again I feel like something out of my control is interfering with this. 

 This new battle in my life, far surpassing any other I have faced, is changing me again.  It has taken away any control over my body.  

I guess the weight and puffy face and black circles are all indications that the chemo is working.  It's kickin my butt but IT'S WORKING and that's what I need right now.  I have fought for myself before and I have WON so I am going to work really hard at ignoring the silly things such as, tummy fat hanging out further then my boobs (or lack of) and try and tell myself that I will WIN again.  

This is going to change me more then I can even imagine.  It will flip my whole world upside down.  My body image, which I have struggled with most of my life, will truly be challenged and my only choice is to find the humor, and FIGURE IT OUT! 

Strictly because I have to end this post on a smile I have to share this picture with you all.  I have this crazy stubborn leg hair.  All summer I would forget to shave it, partially because it is right by my ankle bone,  no one has time for the mess that would come from cutting that area with a razor.  So pretty much I have lost my hair on my legs with the exception of a few, my arm pits, and my head...........BUT.........this hair keeps hanging out!  We are now friends and I will allow it to stick around as long as it would like.