Faith

Something I have been thinking a lot about is faith.  Much of my adult life has been about questioning faith.  What is it, do I have it, what is enough? 

I grew up in a house where you believed.  God was introduced but never fully discussed.  Grandma took us to Sunday school on occasion.  We attended church on holidays, yep we were one of "those families"  but that was the extent.  As a child that was fine but as an adult I need to decide what I believe.  I'm now in a position that I need strength, I need to believe that something so much bigger then myself is in control of this.

My question really starts at how do I really, whole heatedly, believe this when I am still a little angry. If there is a god why is there so much pain and suffering.  Obviously, I am not the first to be diagnosed with cancer but damn......I'm still angry with god.  I have dealt with my share of hardships in my short 12 years of adulthood.  Some brought on by myself some brought on by others and I had to make hard choices.  I have rebuilt my life more then once and I work really hard to build stability into my girls life.  So why now.....when I have a job I love, my girls and I have a routine and stability, and I finally have a man who would do anything for me, did god decide I was ready for this? 

With this in mind, what is this whole saying about "god only gives you what you can handle" I have grown to hate this saying in the last few weeks.  What about my kids......does he think they can handle  another crazy year with there mom.  Another year of trying to maintain normal and stable in the midst of chaos.    

Outside of all of these questions I do think he is presenting himself in my life.   I feel strength and after I made my first post I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders like........ "I'm going to be okay". I am going to have a rough year but I am going to be okay.   I had a piece about me.  What else could that have been except from all of the prayers. 

I also think he sends me, what I refer to as, little angles.  When I went in for chemo on Friday I was scared.  I had had yet another test last week and was worried about the results.   In came this lady, maybe in her 70's she was smiling so big and she said "hey....we have the same heir do!" She made my whole morning with one smile and hair comment.  My mom asked her if she likes to wear hats or wigs or scarves and she said she prefers to go bald.  Wow! She was amazing to me and my little angle for the morning.  when she walked in to receive her chemo I thought "please sit by me" and she did.  She told the nurse she snores and I did hear her snore when she fell asleep but I didn't care.  I just loved having her spirit next to me.  I later had a breast cancer survivor ask if she could give me a hug during brunch.  I believe to that we were meant to see each other that day. 

Even with these experiences I question so much.  Like, whats my next step with god? How do I move from anger to acceptance of his plan when I never really accepted him into my life prior to this anger. I'm not even sure I know how to pray.  I have never prayed on my own, EVER.  Do I attend church more, but how, when I feel so lousy every other Sunday.  How do I fully open up my heart and throw out all of the questions to just listen?  

I am so jealous of anyone who doesn't have questions about there faith.  Who know what it is and believes that god is there.  I welcome anyone to give me advice on this.  To help me release the questions and just accept what he has to offer.  

This is my Blakelee.  Always right there next to mommy on the good and the bad days.