Hard Days

So I started this post on Monday, October 24th, but because of pure exhaustion I wasn't able to finish it.  I didn't want to delete though Because I feel it is important to share with everyone.  The tough days are so much tougher then I can even get out because I just don't have the energy.  So consider this post a work in progress.  Each bad day that I able to type a little more I will.   

The last few days have been so hard.  Maybe not any harder then the days following chemo before but they seemed so much worse.  As I lay hear and write tears just stream down my face.  I want to be strong all the time.  Tell myself to just let myself heal.  To sleep and lay when I need too but I can't get myself there.  I want to be the mom I strive to be, the good girlfriend, and the best friend who is there and present but on these "bad days" it feels like I fail at it all.  I can't even be strong because all I wanna do is cry.  Cry because I'm angry, angry at the fact that my kids are 11 and 6 and need me and I am sleeping.  Sad because I can't check in  with my friends to see how there day is because my body hurts to bad to even text.  I can't love on my boyfriend and show him how important he is because I am so wrapped up in  how awful I feel.

I know, I know, I am doing what I need to right now.  I am taking care of myself and getting healthy again so I can be the mom and girlfriend and friend I want to be.    That's so much easier said then done.  I fear that my kids are missing out because I am stuck in my bed.  What am I missing, what have they not been able to share with me or show me because I have been checked out for 3 days. 

When I found out I was pregnant at 18 I made a promise to myself that I would be the best mom I could be.  I would not use my age as an excuse for poor parenting.  I have done my best to always be there for my kids especially Boston who has been through one crazy season of life to the next with me.  I am the one who has taken her to events, dropped off and picked up,  I have been at school functions, and other events.  But in the last two months I have had to tell her I cant take her, I have had to miss a school event, and I haven't been present.  It doesn't seem fair. ............................................