Sunday I attended Church...............

"When you hold on to things to tightly, you loose them."

"To receive from Jesus we must let go of our own agenda."

"When you let go of what you have, you can take hold of what Jesus has."

That was hard, I was uncomfortable and a part of me wanted to run.  I felt like someone was seeing through me and I was being exposed. My body was uneasy and I was uncomfortable.  I fought back tears, but many of them slipped out anyway.  It's not okay to let go, let go of my control, and allow myself to feel but what I was hearing from the pastor was that God wants me to let go. How?  How do you let go of wanting to stay strong?  How do you admit to being terrified and give it up to god? 

By nature I am a person who needs to control.  I struggle with anxiety and it only gets worse when I can't control.  I have learned coping skills, and since diagnosis I have been given medication to assist in the really hard days but I am still learning to let go of  my "agenda."  Especially to something I don't fully understand yet.  

During Church on Sunday I realized I have let go of nothing when it comes to this cancer.  I am holding tightly to it.  I am holding in the fear. I am holding in the tears. I am holding in the struggle.  If I hold it all in, if I say that I am okay then maybe I will control my own anxiety, my own outcomes.  Maybe, just maybe, I will control what happens in the future.

A few weeks ago I read a GoFundMe page that a friend had posted on there Facebook page.  As I read I learned  about a women who had beat breast cancer.  She had made it through reconstruction and then cancer was found elsewhere in her body.  I instantly stopped reading, I didn't donate, I didn't leave a message for the family, I wanted to pretend I had not read what I had just read. This could happen to me, but if I ignored it, pretended that I didn't read it, then it wouldn't happen.  I could calm my anxiety, I could breath, and continue to believe that I am on a 9 month plan.  In 9 months I will be healthy again!  But, if I could find a way to give up my agenda, to let go of the hold I have on this disease, then maybe I could handle showing compassion to a family who is going through a new diagnosis so close to finishing another because I would know that God will guide me in whatever way he has planned.

This is all new for me..........God.  So I don't want to full  myself, or anyone else into thinking that I am going to change over night.  I wish it was that easy.  Life would be a different place for me right now if I could find a way to let it go.

I know I felt so uncomfortable on Sunday morning because I know that I am afraid to let go, afraid to let someone else take the wheel on this process, afraid to let others know that maybe some days I am not strong.  I am a big mess!

I needed this message on Sunday,  I needed to think about it, and tonight I needed to re watch it.  I  think the message will continue to sit with me.  I think I have taken away a message that maybe wont change me over night but it will change me over time.  I can only hope, and pray ( but this is not something I have figured out yet), that it does continue to sit with me,  to cause me to think, and to truly teach me to give it all up.

  I have attached the sermon, if you feel inclined to listen.