Lets See How Videos Work.........

Please give me feed back on the video idea. I will probably still write sometimes because I do enjoy writing but want to give this a shot!

Medical Update.....

In two days I will be receiving my 13th chemo treatment out of a total of 16. 

My last chemo is the 19th of January.  In September that date seemed really far away.  I was scared!  I had a vision of what chemo would do to me and although it hasn't been easy it has been better then I ever expected. 

 There is a huge part of me that is scared to end chemo.  I have made relationships with the nurses in the infusion room.  I have become comfortable with the process.  With what to expect when I walk in the front door. 

 I love the front desk person at the Redmond Cancer Center.  I should probably learn her name.  She has this awesome smile and she remembers my name.  Before I ever get to her desk, which is like 5 steps from the front door, she starts printing my hospital bracelet.  She chats with me and gave me a wonderful hug when I gave her a Christmas gift. From the front desk to my oncologist to the nurses I early feel uncomfortable in a situation that is really uncomfortable.  It's the small things right now that mean so much. 

 I have a pretty good idea of how I will feel each day.  Surgery is terrifying.  No part of me is ready for that and chemo ending means figuring out a whole knew set of feelings, mental and physically.

Infusion Center Christmas gifts.  Keeping Humans Alive was for the nurses and the live, laugh, love was for the reception people.  all equally important in my treatment.  

I have a Pre. Op. appointment with my surgeon on the 23rd of January and I was told that if my "numbers" are good with my blood work at the last chemo I will probably have surgery within 2 weeks of my last treatment.  Yesterday, I went to a place that is part store and part medical office.  I was able to get some information about prosthetic.  Apparently there is more then just one step to this whole prosthetic breast situation.  I will start with a soft tank top type thing that zips in the front and will hold my drain tubes. 

 Drain tubes.......WHAT?...... I have never had a surgery so serious that I had drain tubes.  That shall be interesting. 

Once I have the drain tubes removed I will have these softer prosthetic.  Once I fully heal I will move up to silicone prosthetic. 

 Who would have thought it's so many steps to the prosthetic world.  Of course this is all optional and I could go without breasts until I have reconstruction but at this point my brain cannot wrap it's self around going in public without.  I have had breasts 21 years and I'm not sure I have the confidence to not at least pretend.  I thought this about my hair also and really I could careless if I am in public without a hat these days.  So anything can change, and probably will.  

Well Back to chemo........

It has been going well.

 I am having some neuropathy but it comes and goes and so far hasn't caused me to many issues.  I walk funny when experiencing it in my toe.  If I am experiencing it in my fingers it becomes difficult to grip and they are really sore if I do anything with them. It is bearable though and could have be way worse.  

 I have also lost strength.  I have a hard time gripping.  I can't carry much without getting fatigued.   

The symptoms I am struggling with the most our sleep, neck and back issues. 

My neck is so uncomfortable most days.  I use the rice heating pad a lot to make it feel better.  My back is also causing me quite a bit of discomfort.  If I do much walking or standing it really sets in and I can't stand up later in the day.  Actually my whole body sort of shuts down once it starts hurting.  It's hard for me to move if I have worked it to much that day.  When I say to much I mean maybe a couple hours of activity.  

Sleeping is pretty much a joke these days.  I have tried a few different sleeping aids but nothing works that great.  My body just aches constantly.  I have tried putting a heating blanket in bed with me.  Which works temporarily but because my body can't regulate properly right now I quickly get to hot.  So it's a constant waking up, tossing and turning, heat on heat off.  So I am tired, exhausted, fatigued all day everyday.  I have learned to function though.  It's kind of like having a newborn.  You just figure out how to live life exhausted.  

Doesn't everyone use 4 different heating blanket/pad options while watching tv?

I have already started to get some interesting peach fuzz growing on my head.  It is really soft and we can't really tell what color it is.  In some light it looks blond, in others brown.  So that is exciting.  

Hard to see but it's there, I swear!

 At this point I think that is the most I can give for a medical update.  Changes are coming and ready or not I get to take them on.  That's pretty much cancer in a nutshell though.  I am lucky enough to have a friend remind me on the daily that this is all temporary!  So I keep that in mind when I want to get really upset about it all.  I also remind myself that others have disease that wont go away and they have to face the struggles everyday.  So I try and be grateful that I am facing one that is temporary (hopefully).  

As appointments come and go in the next  month I will try and give more frequent updates.  

Christmas

First and For most, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!   I sure did.  I didn't feel great, was really tired and my body hurt pretty good but we made the most of it and had a fabulous day.  

We did most of are activities on Christmas eve.  When you have 4 kids and 3 different other parents it becomes a tad tricky to figure out your own time to celebrate.  Christmas eve was busy but in the end I think I would choose it if I had to do it again.  Sundays are a tough day in general so for Christmas to have fallen on that day for me was sort of a bummer. 

 Apparently, many people who were suppose to be in the infusion room receiving some sort of treatment had canceled due to not wanting to feel yucky on Christmas. I was surprised, I mean pretty important things are happening if you have a reason to be in the infusion room but could totally understand not wanting to feel awful.Plus it allowed me to have a quite chemo.  Well....sort of ......I have so many people who love me and want to provide me company during chemo that I had a revolving door of people coming to see me.  

Anyway....

 We had our Christmas with the boys, Robs mom, and my Dad and Step mom on Christmas eve and then went to my Mom and Step Dad's on Christmas day.  I even managed to attend church, for the first time in years, and go out to look at the lights in Eagle Crest on Christmas Eve night.  Which probably led to my couch and heating pad pose on Christmas morning at my Mom's.  

This lady and her little man are my strength everyday.

Best Friends

My sister, my Step Dad and my Mom.  Supporting me at church. Photo credit to someone on FB.  Thank you for capturing my family random stranger.  

The boys went back to there Mom and Boston went to her dads and Blake stayed with Rob and me.  By Christmas afternoon we had one kiddo who was happy playing with her knew toys so we watched a movie, cleaned up a little and laughed. Hence the picture at the top, and below.   I mean if you can't laugh at yourself through some of this you will go crazy.  

This year we experienced the true meaning of Christmas in so many ways.  To everyone who loved on my family this season you are our Angel and we will NEVER be able to repay you but we will pay it forward and serve others as often as we can. 

 Tears stream from my eyes as I write that.  You are all incredible and we are incredibly gifted to have you all in our life. 

In the end Christmas weekend was fantastic.  Onto New Years! 

Sunday I attended Church...............

"When you hold on to things to tightly, you loose them."

"To receive from Jesus we must let go of our own agenda."

"When you let go of what you have, you can take hold of what Jesus has."

That was hard, I was uncomfortable and a part of me wanted to run.  I felt like someone was seeing through me and I was being exposed. My body was uneasy and I was uncomfortable.  I fought back tears, but many of them slipped out anyway.  It's not okay to let go, let go of my control, and allow myself to feel but what I was hearing from the pastor was that God wants me to let go. How?  How do you let go of wanting to stay strong?  How do you admit to being terrified and give it up to god? 

By nature I am a person who needs to control.  I struggle with anxiety and it only gets worse when I can't control.  I have learned coping skills, and since diagnosis I have been given medication to assist in the really hard days but I am still learning to let go of  my "agenda."  Especially to something I don't fully understand yet.  

During Church on Sunday I realized I have let go of nothing when it comes to this cancer.  I am holding tightly to it.  I am holding in the fear. I am holding in the tears. I am holding in the struggle.  If I hold it all in, if I say that I am okay then maybe I will control my own anxiety, my own outcomes.  Maybe, just maybe, I will control what happens in the future.

A few weeks ago I read a GoFundMe page that a friend had posted on there Facebook page.  As I read I learned  about a women who had beat breast cancer.  She had made it through reconstruction and then cancer was found elsewhere in her body.  I instantly stopped reading, I didn't donate, I didn't leave a message for the family, I wanted to pretend I had not read what I had just read. This could happen to me, but if I ignored it, pretended that I didn't read it, then it wouldn't happen.  I could calm my anxiety, I could breath, and continue to believe that I am on a 9 month plan.  In 9 months I will be healthy again!  But, if I could find a way to give up my agenda, to let go of the hold I have on this disease, then maybe I could handle showing compassion to a family who is going through a new diagnosis so close to finishing another because I would know that God will guide me in whatever way he has planned.

This is all new for me..........God.  So I don't want to full  myself, or anyone else into thinking that I am going to change over night.  I wish it was that easy.  Life would be a different place for me right now if I could find a way to let it go.

I know I felt so uncomfortable on Sunday morning because I know that I am afraid to let go, afraid to let someone else take the wheel on this process, afraid to let others know that maybe some days I am not strong.  I am a big mess!

I needed this message on Sunday,  I needed to think about it, and tonight I needed to re watch it.  I  think the message will continue to sit with me.  I think I have taken away a message that maybe wont change me over night but it will change me over time.  I can only hope, and pray ( but this is not something I have figured out yet), that it does continue to sit with me,  to cause me to think, and to truly teach me to give it all up.

  I have attached the sermon, if you feel inclined to listen.  

Just Me

  So it came to me that some people reading this don't actually know me personally, so I thought I should tell everyone a little about me without cancer because really first and foremost I am just Meghan, The mommy of two beautiful girls, daughter of 4 awesome parents, and a girlfriend to Rob.  I'm not cancer I just have it.  

Birthday- 11/26/1985
               So technically this is now "my journey at 31", not 30 :)


I love converse-
    The brighter the better!  I don't wear a lot of bright clothes but my shoes should be bright! Since starting chemo I have switched my shoes to Nike's because of the bone and muscle pain but they are still bright and funky most days.  As soon as my body starts feeling better those converse will be pulled out again! 

Favorite Color-

     Orange! Has been for years! 

Education-

      Well it took me a while to accomplish the college goal but eventually I did it.  I knew from an early age that I wanted to be a teacher and was planning to head to Western Oregon University straight out of high school but instead I found out I was going to have Boston. So I tried COCC for a while during my pregnancy and really couldn't find the drive to be at school or accomplish the work so I stopped going.  A few years down the road I received an amazing job with the Housing Authority in Central Oregon.  I was a Housing Specialist, and decided that "hey, maybe social service work was my calling, not teaching" So while working I decided I would go back to school.  I was accepted to OSU-Cascades and had the drive and determination to finish.  In my Junior year I interned at Bend High in the Teen Parent Program.  This was an amazing mixture of social work and teaching.  Loved it! This sparked my teacher nerve again.  So my senior year I chose an internship placement with Lynch Elementary in there after school Programming.  This is where I officially fell in love with teaching again.  I also found this passion for students with behaviors.  I was drawn to helping them.  Drawn to figuring them out.  So being that it was my senior year I decided I would continue with my Human service path and would take education electives.  Lucky for me OSU has a program called Human Development and Family Science with an emphasis on Human services or education.  So it really wasn't much of a challenge to mix up my classes a bit and still get my degree.  In June 2013 after 2 kids, and a really rough couple years personally I graduated in 4 years with my Bachelors Degree in Human Development and Family Sciences with an emphasis in Human Services.  Needless to say I am pretty darn proud of myself! College goal completed in spite of a few challenges.  My new school goal is to go back so I can take the classes I need to get my teaching license in Special Education and then eventually, someday receive a masters degree in counseling.   Maybe next year-

Kids-

   2 Girls, Boston who is 11 and Blakelee who is 6.  Both surprises and blessings to my life.  I had been undecided for a while about the idea of having more children someday but now I am ready to say I am finished.  Plus Rob has 2 boys who I get to play "Step mom" too and that's pretty cool.  Austin who is 10 and Grayson who is 13.  

Favorite places- 

 Being outside! I love camping and hiking, trees, and lakes.  After a couple weeks of being inside I just have to get out.
The Coast is one of  my favorite places in the whole world.  It's such an amazing place.  I prefer smaller coastal towns with less people and things.  Not so torrist-y,  just the big ocean and exploring to be had.
Portland and Seattle-  I love to walk these cities, explore them, people watch.  They just make me happy.
I love "adventures"  and by adventures I mean going anywhere that is with someone I love where we have a lot of fun.  Sometimes  my adventures are weekends in Portland or spending a few weeks in Arizona or Seattle and other adventures are going to Sherries for pie in the middle of the night. I don't always need large I just need the people I love and some where to explore!

Family and Friends-
Family and Friends are the reason I am even me,  They mean everything to me.  They keep me strong.  Without them I never would have made it through the trials in life,  If you come into my life and I call you friend please expect to be around forever because I don't give up people easily.  I love hard and care deeply for everyone.  Sometimes this effects me in a negative way but many times it pays off with people who love me with there whole heart also.

My parents are divorced and have been since I was 3.  Both of them remarried when I was young and I don't know life without my step parents.  I have a half brother and a half sister but I don't really notice the half part unless you look at my sister and see that we look nothing alike, haha.  They are both successful individuals.  My sister is a UW graduate and my brother is on his way to gunsmith school.  She could probably tell you everything about your brain and he could build or fix anything for you.  They are both much taller then me even though they are 8 and 10 years younger.  I hated my sister when she was young.  Yep, HATE.  I really didn't want anything to do with her, she knew it.  Now she is one of  my best friends, I miss her like crazy daily and when she is home again, even if I don't see her I feel complete, because she is home.  My adored  my brother when I was younger,  He was so cute and loved me and now I don't see him enough.  Life always seems to get in the way for us but man I am proud of him and love him.  I also still want to call him bubba, not sure he would approve though.

Growing Up-
I have lived in Redmond my whole life.  I was born in Bend and raised in Redmond.  I moved to Bend for a short period of time while I was pregnant with Boston and decided Redmond was just where I belonged.  There has been times in my life where I thought about moving away but have never followed through with it.  Some reasons are friends and family, some reasons are that I just love Redmond.  I don't see a reason to leave.

Food-
Basically if it is bad for me I LOVE IT!  Candy is a weakness.  White frosting also gets me every time.  Why must sweets taste soooo good.  I also love Tacos.  I would say tacos are my favorite food.  Pizza is a close 2nd, plain peperoni pizza.

Books and TV- 
These two things pretty much go hand in hand for me.  I love sappy chic flicks and romance novels. Hallmark Holiday movies are my favorite and probably something you will catch me watching any time I am feeling lousy.  I also love reality TV, particularly The bachelor, Bachelorett and anything of that sort.   I also enjoy educational books and movies.  Anything pertaining to child development or mental health also sparks my interest.

My Job-
I am an educational assist in an ILS classroom in an elementary school.  ILS stands for Independent Living Skills.  I adore my job!  Many days are a challenge and I am always ready for the breaks but I miss the students and find myself thinking about them outside of work.  Thinking about better ways to assist them and connect with them.  I found my true calling when I found this job and I am so grateful I was lead to this field. I am also glad that I work where I do.  I am surrounded by the most caring people.  My boss and the principle are wonderful and I couldn't ask for more support from them or anyone else I work with.  I consider myself so lucky to be apart of the school I am.

This is about all I can come up with at this point.  If you want to know something else.......ask me! I am an open book and will tell you whatever you wanna know.  I created this blog for a few reasons but one was to connect with people, and not feel alone.