WOW....So much to say.

So the last time I updated I had just seen my plastic surgeon and he had gone over my options with me and I was headed in for another appointment with him.  

 After the plastic surgeon spoke with my surgeon it turned out that I wasn't the best candidate for instant reconstruction.  Which was a pretty good thing because I really didn't think it was the best personal option either.  I also wasn't the best candidate for  implant surgery.  This is because I will have so much radiation that the skin may or may not be great at stretching.  This left me with the 3rd option of a DIEP flap reconstruction.  Where they take from my abdomen and move the skin tissue up to form breasts.  I liked the idea of this option the most and it turns out it is the  best option for me.  With this option they will be able to remove some of the radiated skin and attach the abdominal  tissue to the skin that was not radiated.  It also cannot be performed until about a year after radiation has completed. 

I think this is a good idea for me. 

 I think I need to become okay with my new body, with looking in the mirror and facing what cancer has taken from me.  I think half of this battle is letting myself heal physically and emotionally.  I have been through enough hard ache in my young life to know that the only way I truly heal is to feel it.  Feel every deep and hard emotion.  To walk the steps I need to walk and to face myself everyday.  If I was eligible for one of the other options I am not sure I would ever fully heal.  Heck, I don't know how long it will take period but I am willing to face it.  I am willing to face the reality of this disease and become okay with it. I am willing to prove to my brain that I am not feminine strictly because I have breasts.  

So I am content with the decision my doctors and I have come to about reconstitution.  

The next step in this crazy journey towards remission was to meet with my surgeon and determine surgery steps.  I met with my surgeon on  January 23rd.  I still had quite a bit of mass left on my breast.  So he talked a little about needing to skin grafting from my leg to be able to close the incision and  remove enough cancerous skin.  There was talk of not removing  my lymph nodes if I didn't need the removed any longer.  There was also talk of the fact that the large mass still consuming my breast could be scar tissue but that there is no way of knowing that until after surgery when the tissue was sent off for biopsy.  In the end he decided he wanted to speak with my team.  He wanted multiple opinions on the lymph nodes and on next steps.  So I left his office without a surgery date and sort of in the unknown.   

On January 27th my surgeon called me and said that he had meet with my care team and other providers and they had decided I needed to have another CT Scan, Bone Scan, and MRI.  

The CT Scan and Bone Scan came back with great results.  The lymph nodes in my left side had shrunk, the lymph node that had been sitting right above my collar bone was gone.  There was no evidence of cancer in my bones.  HUGE CHEMO AND CANCER FIGHT WIN!

MRI did not have as fantastic results.  I found out that the mass appeared to have spread to my pectoralis muscle. This tissue could be cancerous or it could be inflammation from scar tissue but he is unable to tell until he cuts the tissue out and sends it for biopsy.  So I have to have at least half of my pectoralis muscle removed during my mastectomy.  They call this procedure a radical mastectomy.  It will leave a much more visible difference in my chest.  At this point he hopes to only have to remove half of it but he is unsure of how far the tumor tissue sits along the muscle.  There is a possibility that it will all need to be removed.   I have no idea what recovery looks like with this additional information because right after he told me about this new information he also informed me that  a mass showed up on my right breast that was not there in September when I had my first MRI performed.  

A mass!  that could be cancerous! in my other breast!  what?  how is that even possible?  Chemo worked, it worked!  My lymph nodes are small or gone and my bones are clean.  How can something be growing anywhere in my body?  

My surgeon let me know that because I had already decided to have a double mastectomy it was not mandatory to have a biopsy on the mass they found but that it was an option.  He explained that it would help him know what he needs to do with lymph nodes on my right side during surgery and it would tell me what it was prior to surgery.  So I decided to go forth with the biopsy.  I want my surgeon to have the most information he can have before he cuts me open.  I want him to be able to attack to the best of his ability regardless of how tired I am of tests, and pokes, and touching.  

 On Monday, February 13th I had what they call  an MRI biopsy performed.  I was placed in the MRI machine while my right breast was placed between two grids and my left breast was covered up to not show on the MRI images.  Once they located the mass and the placement of it on the grids they pulled me out of the MRI machine and the radiologist performed the biopsy.  I was then placed back into the machine for further pictures and to be sure he was able to take enough tissue.  The procedure was my least favorite yet.  It was sensory overload for me.  So much was going on.  I think there was 5 different people in the room with me performing various tasks.  My left breast which is a large mass and solid was smashed and hurt so bad that my body was involuntarily moving even though I was suppose to stay extremely still.  So still that one of the people had to put pressure on my back while the radiologist performed the biopsy because I could not move at all from the grid or they would have to keep repeating the MRI.  The actual biopsy really didn't hurt much because they numbed me.  The machine made an awful sound though when it was pulling out tissue.  By the end of the hour that all of this was going on I was in tears.  I was in tears because I was done.  I could not take anymore sensory wise and I was done because my left breast hurt so bad that I almost could't breath.  There was nothing anyone could have done though.  It was the way I had to lay.  I couldn't move and they went as fast as they could.  Everyone was so nice.  They really seemed to care and once I started crying they went as fast as they could to finish the procedure but it goes down in the current books as the WORST TEST YET!

So this brings me to today...........the results..................CANCER!

I now have cancer in my right breast also.  How? I don't know.  It appears to be the same type as the left side.  The radiologist seems to believe it is a separate case, that this is not the result of the cancer from the left breast spreading into the right.  He said that nothing in medicine is 100% but breast cancer doesn't typically jump from one breast to the other it would first show up in the lymph nodes and as far as we know the right side lymph nodes are not affected.  My surgeon called about an hour after the radiologist did but I missed his call.  So tomorrow (Wednesday, Feb.15th,) I may have more information.  

What I do know is that I was already electing to remove the right breast so my treatment path shouldn't change.  I may have to have radiation on both sides and I may have a few lymph nodes removed from the right side.  I am so beyond grateful that I had already elected to remove both. I can not imagine sitting here tonight coming to terms with the fact that instead of only taking one breast I would need to  take both.  I came to terms with that many months ago. well, to the best of my ability.   It doesn't make it any easier to hear that you have cancer again.  I AM 31 YEARS OLD, I tested negative for the genetic gene.  I had 16 chemo treatments and 5 months of feeling like crap.  I haven't even fully recovered from chemo and yet I have a cancer in my right breast that has grown during it all.  How? I have no idea!  

Chemo worked but didn't. 

This whole thing shows just how crazy cancer is and how it truly is a larger battle then I ever anticipated.  

There are no rules and no one can promise me it will go away.  

I am trying so hard to stay strong but man some days I just want to scream. 

 I just want to find a deep, dark whole to climb into and come out when this is all over.  

I can't though, and I wont.  My girls keep me going.  They show me that my only choice is to scream, to cry, to hide for a few short minutes, because they will find me, and when they find me they will have to tell me that one of them is looking at the other one :),  and my choice then will be to move on and be there mom.  I have to get up for work,  I have to put on the smile, and I have to be so grateful for the life I have regardless of cancer.  

Goodbye Chemo!

GOODBYE CHEMO!

We are moving on to the next step.

No part of me is ready but I don't have a choice. 

These beautiful girls need me, so I will push through my fears and attack this next step head on.

Michael

Meet Micheal.........

I met Michael's mom last week in the infusion room when his mom stopped me and said "another younger person,  we were so excited to see a young person, how old are you?"  When I told her 31 she was surprised.  I think she thought I was younger.  I told her I was receiving chemo for breast cancer, she told me Michael was receiving chemo for a brain cancer.  I asked when he was diagnosed and she said 10 years ago.  I left the conversation (I really had to use the restroom) by saying "Wow, that is amazing.  Keep fighting).  

I refuse to say I feel sorry for anything any longer, I refuse to tell someone I am sorry for what they are going through.  It still comes to my mind sometimes but I refrain from saying it and I find other words.  Words to lift them up, words of encouragement.  Sorry is useless!   It doesn't help anyone!  

 Today Michael was back and he sat next to me and said " you ran off so fast last week I wasn't able to meet you." I told him he was on the phone and I really needed to use the restroom.  So as we chatted today I learned that.............................

 He has been fighting brain cancer since he was 15 years old.  
He is now 27
His mother is single and no father, he couldn't handle a "sick" child and left the family.
He has undergone something like 5 brain surgery's.
He has been told on more then one occasion he would vary well die during his surgery.  
He has been through different medical studies.

Traveled multiple states and hospitals for treatments/
He has been through chemo treatments more times then he could count.
His mother has walked into the hospital with a Chaplin more then once.
He has had a procedure performed where they basically killed him. and screwed into his brain to see what they needed to remove.  

He has had multiple friends die, WHY?  because he spends most of his time in infusion rooms.  His friends also have life threatening disease.  

HIM AND HIS MOTHER ARE THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE I HAVE MET.    

They came into the room with such a presence and laughed.  His mom said at one point "you have to laugh that is the only way you can make it through this." I agreed with her 110%.  She asked questions about me.  I can't say that after dealing with this for over 10 years that I would really care about anyone else's problems.  Micheal laughed and he joked with me.  He told me something about them cutting out parts of infected brain.  He said " Oh don't worry, they only cut out some pieces" and laughed. 

You could tell that Micheal's brain has been damaged.  He talked really slow, walked with a cane and sometimes couldn't get all of his words out.  His vision was mildly effected.  His one eye drooped a little and when he looked at you you could tell it was difficult for him to focus.

  I was in awe of his strength and motivation.  I wish everyone could meet Micheal and his mom. They would touch you, they would make you a better person.  They did me today!  

  What I also learned about Micheal is tomorrow he will go in for yet another brain surgery.  He has a shunt and it has not been working.  So tomorrow they have to go in and repair it.  It's really not a routine surgery.  They don't know if they can repair it, they don't know if Micheal will come out of surgery.  

TODAY THEY WERE SMILING. 

 Tomorrow he may face death yet again and 

TODAY THEY WERE SMILING!  

So tonight I ask that you pray for Micheal.  

Tomorrow I ask that you pray for Micheal. 

 If you don't pray just learn from him.  

Tomorrow he faces death and 

TODAY HE IS SMILING!

Hold your babies and loved ones a little closer and work really hard to be like this young man who has faced every odd.  

He has not lived a normal adolescence or adult hood, but he is 

STILL SMILING!  

Be grateful for your every day.  The good ones and the bad ones!  

I gave Micheal my phone number and he said we could chat.  I hope he reaches out, but if he doesn't I don't think I will ever forget this family.  There Strength, Courage, and Wisdom,  He is a true warrior and I want to be just like him when I grow up!

Please keep him in your hearts.  I don't have a last name but you see his face and you know his name. Just keep those in your heart while you go about your day tomorrow!  

Reconstruction.......and other thoughts

Lets See How Videos Work.........

Please give me feed back on the video idea. I will probably still write sometimes because I do enjoy writing but want to give this a shot!

Medical Update.....

In two days I will be receiving my 13th chemo treatment out of a total of 16. 

My last chemo is the 19th of January.  In September that date seemed really far away.  I was scared!  I had a vision of what chemo would do to me and although it hasn't been easy it has been better then I ever expected. 

 There is a huge part of me that is scared to end chemo.  I have made relationships with the nurses in the infusion room.  I have become comfortable with the process.  With what to expect when I walk in the front door. 

 I love the front desk person at the Redmond Cancer Center.  I should probably learn her name.  She has this awesome smile and she remembers my name.  Before I ever get to her desk, which is like 5 steps from the front door, she starts printing my hospital bracelet.  She chats with me and gave me a wonderful hug when I gave her a Christmas gift. From the front desk to my oncologist to the nurses I early feel uncomfortable in a situation that is really uncomfortable.  It's the small things right now that mean so much. 

 I have a pretty good idea of how I will feel each day.  Surgery is terrifying.  No part of me is ready for that and chemo ending means figuring out a whole knew set of feelings, mental and physically.

Infusion Center Christmas gifts.  Keeping Humans Alive was for the nurses and the live, laugh, love was for the reception people.  all equally important in my treatment.  

I have a Pre. Op. appointment with my surgeon on the 23rd of January and I was told that if my "numbers" are good with my blood work at the last chemo I will probably have surgery within 2 weeks of my last treatment.  Yesterday, I went to a place that is part store and part medical office.  I was able to get some information about prosthetic.  Apparently there is more then just one step to this whole prosthetic breast situation.  I will start with a soft tank top type thing that zips in the front and will hold my drain tubes. 

 Drain tubes.......WHAT?...... I have never had a surgery so serious that I had drain tubes.  That shall be interesting. 

Once I have the drain tubes removed I will have these softer prosthetic.  Once I fully heal I will move up to silicone prosthetic. 

 Who would have thought it's so many steps to the prosthetic world.  Of course this is all optional and I could go without breasts until I have reconstruction but at this point my brain cannot wrap it's self around going in public without.  I have had breasts 21 years and I'm not sure I have the confidence to not at least pretend.  I thought this about my hair also and really I could careless if I am in public without a hat these days.  So anything can change, and probably will.  

Well Back to chemo........

It has been going well.

 I am having some neuropathy but it comes and goes and so far hasn't caused me to many issues.  I walk funny when experiencing it in my toe.  If I am experiencing it in my fingers it becomes difficult to grip and they are really sore if I do anything with them. It is bearable though and could have be way worse.  

 I have also lost strength.  I have a hard time gripping.  I can't carry much without getting fatigued.   

The symptoms I am struggling with the most our sleep, neck and back issues. 

My neck is so uncomfortable most days.  I use the rice heating pad a lot to make it feel better.  My back is also causing me quite a bit of discomfort.  If I do much walking or standing it really sets in and I can't stand up later in the day.  Actually my whole body sort of shuts down once it starts hurting.  It's hard for me to move if I have worked it to much that day.  When I say to much I mean maybe a couple hours of activity.  

Sleeping is pretty much a joke these days.  I have tried a few different sleeping aids but nothing works that great.  My body just aches constantly.  I have tried putting a heating blanket in bed with me.  Which works temporarily but because my body can't regulate properly right now I quickly get to hot.  So it's a constant waking up, tossing and turning, heat on heat off.  So I am tired, exhausted, fatigued all day everyday.  I have learned to function though.  It's kind of like having a newborn.  You just figure out how to live life exhausted.  

Doesn't everyone use 4 different heating blanket/pad options while watching tv?

I have already started to get some interesting peach fuzz growing on my head.  It is really soft and we can't really tell what color it is.  In some light it looks blond, in others brown.  So that is exciting.  

Hard to see but it's there, I swear!

 At this point I think that is the most I can give for a medical update.  Changes are coming and ready or not I get to take them on.  That's pretty much cancer in a nutshell though.  I am lucky enough to have a friend remind me on the daily that this is all temporary!  So I keep that in mind when I want to get really upset about it all.  I also remind myself that others have disease that wont go away and they have to face the struggles everyday.  So I try and be grateful that I am facing one that is temporary (hopefully).  

As appointments come and go in the next  month I will try and give more frequent updates.  

Christmas

First and For most, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!   I sure did.  I didn't feel great, was really tired and my body hurt pretty good but we made the most of it and had a fabulous day.  

We did most of are activities on Christmas eve.  When you have 4 kids and 3 different other parents it becomes a tad tricky to figure out your own time to celebrate.  Christmas eve was busy but in the end I think I would choose it if I had to do it again.  Sundays are a tough day in general so for Christmas to have fallen on that day for me was sort of a bummer. 

 Apparently, many people who were suppose to be in the infusion room receiving some sort of treatment had canceled due to not wanting to feel yucky on Christmas. I was surprised, I mean pretty important things are happening if you have a reason to be in the infusion room but could totally understand not wanting to feel awful.Plus it allowed me to have a quite chemo.  Well....sort of ......I have so many people who love me and want to provide me company during chemo that I had a revolving door of people coming to see me.  

Anyway....

 We had our Christmas with the boys, Robs mom, and my Dad and Step mom on Christmas eve and then went to my Mom and Step Dad's on Christmas day.  I even managed to attend church, for the first time in years, and go out to look at the lights in Eagle Crest on Christmas Eve night.  Which probably led to my couch and heating pad pose on Christmas morning at my Mom's.  

This lady and her little man are my strength everyday.

Best Friends

My sister, my Step Dad and my Mom.  Supporting me at church. Photo credit to someone on FB.  Thank you for capturing my family random stranger.  

The boys went back to there Mom and Boston went to her dads and Blake stayed with Rob and me.  By Christmas afternoon we had one kiddo who was happy playing with her knew toys so we watched a movie, cleaned up a little and laughed. Hence the picture at the top, and below.   I mean if you can't laugh at yourself through some of this you will go crazy.  

This year we experienced the true meaning of Christmas in so many ways.  To everyone who loved on my family this season you are our Angel and we will NEVER be able to repay you but we will pay it forward and serve others as often as we can. 

 Tears stream from my eyes as I write that.  You are all incredible and we are incredibly gifted to have you all in our life. 

In the end Christmas weekend was fantastic.  Onto New Years!