JOY

"What if your joy during your circumstance is the thing that led them to Jesus"

-Danny Looney 

Mission Church Pastor 

This photo was taken 2 days after getting out of the hospital, early March.  Michelle came over and said "your getting dressed, I don't care what we do but you are getting dressed and leaving this house."   (for the few that may not know who Michelle is she is one of my best friends and she has been my rock since before diagnosis).  I did not want to get dressed.  I had bulky ace bandages all over my legs and my chest.  I couldn't shower.  I felt defeated, but when she showed up and made me get dressed my mood changed.  I was ready to choose joy.  To face the world as I was with no fear of judgment. 

Now don't get me wrong I haven't chosen joy easily through treatment some days it is down right the most difficult thing I can do in my day.  Some days I have to choose it more then once.

 Prior to hearing Danny's sermon a few weeks ago I didn't really know that I was choosing joy.  I thought I was just choosing what I needed to choose to get through this time of my life.  I mean in actuality, at diagnosis, I had 2 choices. 

1. Cry about it and move on with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

or

2. Cry about it, cry about it, and cry about it some more. Then sink into a whole of depression and sadness.  

Number 2 would have been much easier but I am just not sure it is in my nature.  

Recently I have felt that maybe my joy has been misleading to people.  Just because I try  my best to choose joy each day does not mean I feel well.  It does not mean I am not struggling.  It does not mean that I am not in pain. 

It DOES means that I am making a conscious effort to choose it.  It means that I am digging deep and finding the good in my day, it means that I am choosing to follow the holy spirit because he empowers "me with unstoppable joy no matter what I am facing!" (Danny Looney, Mission Church)

Lets be real, everyday I have the  choice to wake up and give my joy away.  To allow cancer and the treatment to win.  

When I choose joy it  doesn't mean I don't still have fear, confusion, or pain.  It means I am not going to hold onto the fear, confusion, and pain.  

The problem with choosing joy everyday is that it becomes misleading.  I absolutely do not want anyone to take this cancer lightly.  It is not a joke, it is not fun, and early detection is IMPORTANT. 

My Facebook shows that I am out having fun and loving on my friends and family and although this is true, I am.  What it doesn't show is how I am truly feeling on that day.  I am lucky enough to feel decent and to have pain that I can push through it doesn't mean I feel great it means I am choosing joy and my family.  

Some days it takes a lot of self talk to get out of bed.  Most days I really would rather not get dressed, not clean my house, not go on an adventure with my family.  Most days I honestly want to wallow in my own self pitty but what good would that do for me?  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  I would allow my fears to take over.  I would be giving my joy away because I want to hold onto all the fear and anger instead.  How healthy is this?  it sure wont get my through treatment or give my body the fuel it needs to keep going.  

Today I sit writing this blog with a burn on my chest that hurts when water touches it and itches all the time.  My skin graph feels like I am wearing a bra 2 sizes to small when in actuality I have nothing on. My throat feels like it is being scratched up every time I swallow, leaving me with limited food options. The skin on my fingers is peeling off and the bottom of my feet feel like needles from the chemo meds but in a few hours I will take the next dose and tomorrow morning I will wake up and get ready to burn my skin again with radiation.  This doesn't mean I have the right to disappear.  I have the right to get up and show up.  I have the right to choose joy!  

I went camping this weekend.  Was it comfortable.......nope.  Was it fun..........yes.  I washed my chest in Michelle's tent out of a bucket that we used for dishes (skin care is of utmost importance right now) and I had many uncomfortable bathroom moments in a makeshift toilette, or bucket, whichever you want to refer to it as.  Why did I do this?  because I chose joy.  I chose to get up and show up.  "my habits determine my fruits" -Danny Loony

A year ago my habits were camping.  I love camping, I love nature.  So why would I not do it now?  I could let the above issues stop me. I could complain that I can't do the things I use to be able to do or I can adapt, adjust and tackle whatever comes at me so I can choose what MY life looks like.  When life is so beyond out of your control you need to take control of what you can and SHOW UP!  Will you always be 100%........NOPE.  Will you always look your best.........NOPE.  but you will be creating your own story and hopefully allowing people to join you. 

Happiness is based on what happens to you.

Joy is based on what happened for you.  

I know that many of my friends are not Christ followers.  I wasn't either, until about 6 months ago.  This post isn't about making you one. What it is about is........

 Who do you want to be? 

What do you want people to see when they look at you?  

I hope that instead of seeing my joy and questioning how sick I really am that you can question my joy and say how do I get there? 

In case you are interested in hearing more about choosing about choosing joy.........