JOY

"What if your joy during your circumstance is the thing that led them to Jesus"

-Danny Looney 

Mission Church Pastor 

This photo was taken 2 days after getting out of the hospital, early March.  Michelle came over and said "your getting dressed, I don't care what we do but you are getting dressed and leaving this house."   (for the few that may not know who Michelle is she is one of my best friends and she has been my rock since before diagnosis).  I did not want to get dressed.  I had bulky ace bandages all over my legs and my chest.  I couldn't shower.  I felt defeated, but when she showed up and made me get dressed my mood changed.  I was ready to choose joy.  To face the world as I was with no fear of judgment. 

Now don't get me wrong I haven't chosen joy easily through treatment some days it is down right the most difficult thing I can do in my day.  Some days I have to choose it more then once.

 Prior to hearing Danny's sermon a few weeks ago I didn't really know that I was choosing joy.  I thought I was just choosing what I needed to choose to get through this time of my life.  I mean in actuality, at diagnosis, I had 2 choices. 

1. Cry about it and move on with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

or

2. Cry about it, cry about it, and cry about it some more. Then sink into a whole of depression and sadness.  

Number 2 would have been much easier but I am just not sure it is in my nature.  

Recently I have felt that maybe my joy has been misleading to people.  Just because I try  my best to choose joy each day does not mean I feel well.  It does not mean I am not struggling.  It does not mean that I am not in pain. 

It DOES means that I am making a conscious effort to choose it.  It means that I am digging deep and finding the good in my day, it means that I am choosing to follow the holy spirit because he empowers "me with unstoppable joy no matter what I am facing!" (Danny Looney, Mission Church)

Lets be real, everyday I have the  choice to wake up and give my joy away.  To allow cancer and the treatment to win.  

When I choose joy it  doesn't mean I don't still have fear, confusion, or pain.  It means I am not going to hold onto the fear, confusion, and pain.  

The problem with choosing joy everyday is that it becomes misleading.  I absolutely do not want anyone to take this cancer lightly.  It is not a joke, it is not fun, and early detection is IMPORTANT. 

My Facebook shows that I am out having fun and loving on my friends and family and although this is true, I am.  What it doesn't show is how I am truly feeling on that day.  I am lucky enough to feel decent and to have pain that I can push through it doesn't mean I feel great it means I am choosing joy and my family.  

Some days it takes a lot of self talk to get out of bed.  Most days I really would rather not get dressed, not clean my house, not go on an adventure with my family.  Most days I honestly want to wallow in my own self pitty but what good would that do for me?  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  I would allow my fears to take over.  I would be giving my joy away because I want to hold onto all the fear and anger instead.  How healthy is this?  it sure wont get my through treatment or give my body the fuel it needs to keep going.  

Today I sit writing this blog with a burn on my chest that hurts when water touches it and itches all the time.  My skin graph feels like I am wearing a bra 2 sizes to small when in actuality I have nothing on. My throat feels like it is being scratched up every time I swallow, leaving me with limited food options. The skin on my fingers is peeling off and the bottom of my feet feel like needles from the chemo meds but in a few hours I will take the next dose and tomorrow morning I will wake up and get ready to burn my skin again with radiation.  This doesn't mean I have the right to disappear.  I have the right to get up and show up.  I have the right to choose joy!  

I went camping this weekend.  Was it comfortable.......nope.  Was it fun..........yes.  I washed my chest in Michelle's tent out of a bucket that we used for dishes (skin care is of utmost importance right now) and I had many uncomfortable bathroom moments in a makeshift toilette, or bucket, whichever you want to refer to it as.  Why did I do this?  because I chose joy.  I chose to get up and show up.  "my habits determine my fruits" -Danny Loony

A year ago my habits were camping.  I love camping, I love nature.  So why would I not do it now?  I could let the above issues stop me. I could complain that I can't do the things I use to be able to do or I can adapt, adjust and tackle whatever comes at me so I can choose what MY life looks like.  When life is so beyond out of your control you need to take control of what you can and SHOW UP!  Will you always be 100%........NOPE.  Will you always look your best.........NOPE.  but you will be creating your own story and hopefully allowing people to join you. 

Happiness is based on what happens to you.

Joy is based on what happened for you.  

I know that many of my friends are not Christ followers.  I wasn't either, until about 6 months ago.  This post isn't about making you one. What it is about is........

 Who do you want to be? 

What do you want people to see when they look at you?  

I hope that instead of seeing my joy and questioning how sick I really am that you can question my joy and say how do I get there? 

In case you are interested in hearing more about choosing about choosing joy.........

Radiation and go

Week 1.5 is about finished.  As of tomorrow I will be down 8 treatments and have 20 left.  Baby Steps, everyday is a victory.  

 So far, so good!

 I have not seen any change in my skin yet.

I am tired but this could be due to the chemo medication I am also on.  Actually  the Chemo medication has proven to be my current battle.  I take it for two weeks and then I have a week off of it.   This last cycle I developed an interesting rash on my hands and my feet began to burn. The hand rash is new but the  burning feet happened last cycle.  I was unable to walk one evening because it hurt so bad. This time the feet just burned when I walked but it was more mild.  I have figured out that if I  have shoes or slippers on they don't seem to bother me so much.    I have been off of the pills for 3 days and the rash on my hands is still there but the feet are not hurting.  So I may need to change my dosage or change the way I take it.  The radiation oncologist has her concerns about me being on both, radiation and chemo pills but believes it is a good idea we just need to monitor symptoms closely.   

So lets talk radiation some more......... 

When I get to the office each day I check in, walk to the back room area where there are dressing rooms.  I put on a fancy hospital gown and I sit in a pretty dull room and wait.  Once they are ready for me they come get me and then it takes about 30 minutes for the actual treatment. 

The machine circles around me one time taking pictures and then 2 more times to distribute the radiation.  Last week, for my first 3 treatments the plan took about 45-50 minutes.  It equaled about 20 breath holds and my arms up for the whole time.  I managed fine but it was exhausting. The breath holds seemed easy but holding my left arm up for 45 minutes was difficult.  It would really start to hurt.  Once the arm started hurting it became harder to breath.  I do lay on a bed but it is really thin and the way I have to hold my arms could be a challenge for anyone, but for me the muscles aren't thrilled about working yet so it became even more of a challenge. 

On Monday I had the same plan but after meeting with the doctor on Tuesday I was informed they had changed my plan a little.  I would be receiving the same dosage but it would hopefully be faster. So the last 3 days my treatments have lasted the 30 minutes and the breath holds have been lowered to about 10.  My arms are much happier and my lugs are grateful for the change.  

Today while I was laying there watching this big circle like thing go over me. I was thinking about how weird the concept really is.  It's beams hitting my skin yet I can't see them or feel them.  Inside the machine you can see this green light and little gears moving. I was trying to figure out what I thought it reminded me off.........I finally decided that it appeared to be a dragon.  It has a long  neck and the glass part that I can see from my perspective is the mouth it just breaths the fire onto  my chest. I know, kinda silly but it entertained me to envision this way for a few minutes.  

I think there is a resemblance, don't you?  haha  

All of these cancer treatments have proven to baffle a mind.  I mean besides the obvious...... it really, really stinks thought......I am literally paying people to kill my cells, burn my skin, and cut me up.  What a brain drain that is to truly think about.  I am just not sure I can actually process that thought or why it only just came to my mind while writing this post.  

Anyway moving on from that idea.........

Lets talk emotional state. 

It's doing alright.  Being away from my home and my family is seriously tough.  To all you families who have a spouse who works away from the family for moths on end.  I give you tons and tons of props.  This is no easy task.  I know my girls are in great hands.  They are being loved on at there schools and with family but OH MY, I MISS THEM SO MUCH!  I missed Mothers day planting at Blakelee's school today.  I had a fantastic stand in and although I am so thankful we have these people in our lives who can be a stand in I HATE missing out on it.  The whole things brings me down a bit but I am trying to stay strong and remember that this is all so that I can live a long life and see all the many things they will do as they grow.  

Financially....

I have been blessed to have so many offers of free places to stay while I undergo this part of my treatment but it turns out I get reimbursed for hotels through one of my insurance Companies.  So the last two weeks we have been staying in a hotel and next week we will do the same.  The following week we will get to experience the Ronald McDonald house downtown Portland.   

Things are definitely coming to a head financially but because of the donations made early on I am staying calm.  I had a plan when I started treatment of being able to work so much more of this school year then I actually have been able to.  I have used all of my FMLA leave but they have switched me to ADA leave which secures my job but doesn't allow me to keep my insurance with the help of the school district.  I am lucky enough to have a job where my employee picks up ALLOT of the premium but because of my leave from work  I no longer qualify for this and will have to pay COBRA coverage until October when my insurance renews.  I have applied for short term disability but no idea what the statues of it is yet.  My Mom and Step Dad are currently covering gas and food but I have access to gas cards and food cards if I get to the point of needing them,  The donations I received early in treatment will be paying my monthly wage of which I am currently not receiving and COBRA.   There was a time that I thought it was silly that I was asking for financial assistance but obviously God had my back and knew that I would need it.  He put it on your hearts to donate to me and I will be forever thankful for your generosity, hearts, and assistance.  With this being said there is one more fundraiser coming up.  The Growler Guys Bend, East will be hosting a donation day for me.  If you mention this flyer or take it in with you Growler Guys Bend, East is pledging to donate 50% of the proceeds to me. You get beer and I get a financial cushion for whatever may arise, or to just get me to the new school year.  I call that  a WIN, WIN situation.  :)  

Yep, well that about it for a radiation/life update. 

Just something funny.