I met another angel

I met another angel the other day.  I don't know her name, just her smile.  She was standing in the Fred Meyer atrium.  I was having a rough day.  Extremely fatigued, telling Blakelee she had to get herself out of the cart because mommy couldn't lift her today.  The women first said hi and I smiled and said hi back.  She then stood for a minute before grabbing her cart and looked at me.  She then said "how are you today" I responded with "we are good" knowing she heard what I was saying to Blakelee.  Blake finally got herself out of the cart and as I was handing the girls the bags to help me carry the lady touched my back and said  "do you have breast cancer".  I instantly got teary and said "yes, I do"  she reached up and touched her hair and said "it all comes back" "I'm a survivor of 10 years.  Diagnosed at 40"  she then hugged me and said "you will be okay. " and she asked me how many months I was having chemo.  I told her 5 at this point and then surgery.  She said she had 6 months of chemo, 2 surgery's, and 35 radiation treatments.  Just looking at her face cause tears to stream down mine.  She hugged me again and I told her the conversation meant so much to me.  That my day was hard and I needed to hear her experience.  She told me the hardest part of her journey was the end.  She said she made it through all the treatment stuff without much mental strain but when it was over she said she had a mental break down.  She started seeing a counselor.  When I thought about this I realized it is totally understandable that she broke down after.  That she needed more mental help after the cancer was gone from her body then she did during and here is why I think.

When you are first diagnosed you are scared beyond words.  What's next, how far has it gone in my body, will I be alive in a year.  

You then go through the tests.  PET scans, CAT scans, Bone scans, MRI, heart scan and you feel like there is no way you want to show your body to another person.  You already want to not be poked or touched again but the brain does this strange shut down thing.  Like you just walk through it because you have too. 

You then start treatments and you start to pull out of the haze of it all.  Realizing this is what you have to do.  You don't have an option, well you do.......allow the cancer to take over your body slowly.  So as the haze lifts life sorta returns to normal.  As normal as it can be.  Treatments come and go, you begin to plan life around the really good days and the really bad days but at least the initial shock has lifted and you are able to not see a Dr. everyday.  Your only poked once a week or every three depending on your treatment cycle. 

You prepare yourself for the next medical treatment path when it arises.  You never go to deep in thoughts, at least not me, because the anxiety would over take your body. 

So for my angel that day I'm sure she needed more love at the end because she made it.  Her brain could finally process it all.  She had pushed through all of the haze and the pokes and people looking at her body.  When you finally reach a point that your brain fully opens up and allows for processing of this type of thing I cant imagine you can do it alone.

I was so glad she shared that part of her story with me because she has prepared me for whats to come.  I keep telling myself I am on a 9 month plan.  At the end of 9 months I will be cancer free and moving on with life.  My summer will be filled with my children and fun.  Not stress.  But I do think I will keep what my angel said in mind.  I will remember that eventually my mind will also fully open up and show me the mountain I just climbed and I too will need to protect my mental health even more the  I do now. 

So on this Thanksgiving day I don't type this blog to make people sad because I am not sad.  I am thankful that I have these angels in the world reaching out to me on the worst of days and reminding me that I am strong enough to do it, I am not alone, and that even in the end this journey will not be over.  It's forever now. 

Today and everyday friends look for your angels, be an angel, protect your mental health and help others with theirs.  Life really is a blessing, and beautiful. 

Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy your family, or friends, or quite time.  Do what you love on this holiday, whatever it may be and make it special. Give so many thanks because people and life deserve it!

My tribe, minus a few, The people I am so Thankful for today.  On Top of so many others.  I just don't have a picture that shows you all in one spot! 

Medical update

UPDATE TIME !

On November  4th, 2016 I started weekly treatments and changed medications.  With my type of breast cancer (and maybe other types of breast cancer, I don't know) there are three different types of chemo medication they treat with.  They refer to them as ACT.    

A- Adriamycin ( I think)

C- Carboplatin

T-Taxol

In September and October I was receiving the A and the C.  One of these is one I can never receive again, but I can't remember which one.  

With that said I have really spent so much time thinking about the women before me who helped the medical world figure those types of things out.  How many people before me under went these treatments and had awful things happen  because they received them for to long or received the wrong type.  I mean KUDOS to the first person to ever receive chemo therapy treatments. Every medication they give me is based on governmental guidelines that have taken someone, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and  research.  I am so grateful that people were brave enough before me to go through these specific studies.  

So........the A and the C....... with these medications I went 2 weeks between treatments I was sorta on this curve with my white blood cells.  I would receive treatment and by the weekend following my blood cells would be the lowest but I had this thing placed called the Nulasta on body injector.  The on body injector helped the blood cells begin generating more quickly which allowed me to stay out of the danger zone and have some immunity.  The Nulasta was the worst part of the A and the C.  it caused massive pain from my toes to my jaw and pretty much made me miserable for 2 days.  It also caused  me HUGE amounts of anxiety.  So the best part of changing medications is that I don't have to have the Nulasta any longer!

Now I am on the T.  So far I am doing okay on it.  The bone and muscles aches are still present and sometimes I think more annoying then before. Instead of having two really bad days I seem to have pain everyday.  It's not as awful as the pain from Nulasta but it is also way worse then any muscle pain I have had  before,  It makes me uncomfortable in my body.  No matter which way I stretch or lay it doesn't really go away or help.  Heat and sitting is pretty much the only thing that relieves the pain at all.   I have not had any nausea in the last two week but the nurses told me that  I probably wouldn't because I didn't have much with the A and that really is the worst for nausea.  The last two treatments I have received 10mg of steroids starting this Friday I will be dropped down to 5mg and although I am excited about less steroids I am nervous this may make it so I am more nausea's.  Apparently I am given steroids to help with the nausea.     I am still exhausted 24/7.  It's such a crazy feeling to constantly have the need to lay down.  Sunday I slept and laid all day,  Monday I woke up expecting to have some energy, I was wrong.  Really couldn't drag myself off the couch at all so basically 48 hours of laying and sleeping led me to.........STILL BE EXHAUSTED when I woke up for work today.

I am learning this!

   I really have no idea what to expect over the next 10 treatments.  You would think the medication will slowly build in my system and symptoms will get worse but no one has said that exactly so I have no idea what to expect and to save myself a lot of worry and fear I am just trying to look at the positive right now.  I am handling this medication change well.  I am also still responding to the chemo.  I am now going to ask you to look at my boobs, clothed of course, but the picture is mind blowing.  You can see the shrinking.  It's bizarre really.  I don't quite understand why the whole breast is shrinking instead of just returning to it's natural state but from what I do understand I think it's because the whole breast is the tumor, the cancer cells live within the skin.  I intend to ask my oncologist to explain this to me a little better at my next visit.   

To recap- I changed medication.  I am handling it well, my body hurts all the time, I am still responding to chemo, and I am wearing a smile on my face!   

Gratitude

This is a must listen-I love music and this one really fits my post today

Gratitude

I preach this word all the time.  I tell my kids to be grateful, to not complain, but what does gratitude really mean?  

Merriam Webster Dictionary defines it as:  a feeling of appreciation or thanks. 

That just seems to simple for what I am feeling these days.  I can't even begin to tell everyone how much gratitude I have.  So many working hard to throw me fundraisers, the school I work for having week longs events and getting all the children involved.  It's an incredible experience to  feel this much love and support.  

Some days this fight is really lonely.  People know you are in pain but no one can truly grasp it (unless you have been through it) most days I can't even describe how my muscles ache.  I have so many "good days" that people forget that my definition of good has changed because that's the only option you have, or most days would be "bad".  People also don't know that I may have a smile on my face but it doesn't mean it was easy for me to get up that morning.  Most mornings are so difficult.  It's hard to talk yourself into getting out of bed when you're exhausted, when you hurt, and when you had to take a sleeping aid to even sleep in the first place.  So really many days of this fight are harder then they may appear, but with that said when I get to walk into my job and have teachers and children saying hi and asking me how I am doing I can't help but want to fight.  When I have the support of Blakelee's daycare, throwing me a huge, amazing event, and supporting her everyday I know that we are so loved and really not alone at all!  

To everyone who came out on Thursday I have so much gratitude for you.  People I haven't seen in years.  People who have fought there own battles, who have been out of town for months, who loved me as a child and still love me it was beyond incredible.  I couldn't even believe the love my girls and I had in one room.  Evergreen Academy- Redmond will always have a special place in my heart for throwing an event who brought all of these people together for me and my girls.  WE ARN'T ALONE and I was reminded of that on Thursday.  I was ready to step into chemo on Friday because I had been reminded that I am not alone in that chair.  I am far from alone and this means the world to me.  I may forget as time goes on but I know someone will remind me.  Another wonderful person will show up on our door step with food and a huge weighty will be lifted from my mind that I don't have to stand up any more that night because food is ready.  

We are so loved and I love all of you too!  Please enjoy my millions of pictures below of things we have been given and people who have reached out.  You are all amazing and we are so glad you are in our life!  

My aunts, my step mom, and co worker all painting just for me! 

The best of friends in the whole world!  Couldn't do this season of my life without you!

John and Shonna, you guys are amazing!  I love you both.  

Just another amazing thing for Blakelee and me from her teachers at Evergreen.

Michelle's men showing there love and support for me all the time!

My cousin's wife Julie sent me this photo yesterday.  This is my grandpa who passed away almost 2 years ago now.  He was a supporter of breast cancer before he would have ever known I would battle it.  I know if him and my grandma were still alive they would be on the for front of support.  loving me hard through all of this.  This picture made me miss him ever so much but I know him and my grandma are up there cheering me on with everyone else.  

Blakelee even has support!

Boston's friend made this for her in a care package after she was brave enough to talk about my cancer at school.  SHE HAS SUPPORT ALSO!

One of my first gifts- chemo bag.  Vickie, Ashley, Erin, and Karen.  It goes every week!  Thank you the blanket keeps me warm and the bag reminds me that I am thought about.  

Suggestion from a co worker who fought this battle 5 years ago.  THEY WORK!  the port flush is so gross.  You get this nasty taste in your mouth.  Life savers are perfect!

My village after a wonderful night they set up for me to learn about oils.  my safe place sits right here with these three women.  

From a class at my school 

Just one of the gifts from this little girl.  She goes to my school and her mom is a teacher there.  They have been amazing to me.  providing us meat for our freezer and wonderful cards all the time.  

My team at work is better then yours!  They all wore pumpkin hats in support of me on Halloween.  These hats were also made by a wonderful co worker not pictured.  She makes walking the halls on those tough days at school so worth it!

Someone I a hardly know read my blog and sent me these wonderful Lula Roe clothes.  UNBELIEVABLY GENEROUS!

These are just some of the amazing things and people that I have been apart of in the last 2 months.  So many have sent me gift cards and cards and donations and just know that even if it is not pictured here I am so grateful for it!  It's overwhelming and I have no words to truly describe what it all means.  

Chemo Again

11/3/2016

The reality is that one minute you are out at Game Stop with one of your favorite people in the world, waiting for this new game to come out at 9pm because her boyfriend has to have it, laughing and joking and the next minute your at home digging through your pill bottles just trying to figure out which one it is that your suppose to take for the over whelming sense of anxiety that your starting face because tomorrow is chemo day, or as my kids and I refer to it now, medicine day. 

The bottles each do something- relive pain,  stop vomiting,  help you sleep, or help with anxiety.  On top of the never ending medicine bottles there are also recommended over the counter stuff to dig through like:

Claritin-to help with the bone pain

Probiotics- to help keep things flowing- this is a topic all it's self. 
Botine-for dry mouth.
Stool Softeners-they explain themselves
Ranitidine-for the heart burn. 

They gave me this fancy calendar my first treatment and really it's been my savior because otherwise I wouldn't have kept any of this stuff straight.  But man this is the reality of chemo.  Put one thing in your body and then try and counter act it with others and still have days where you still feel awful.

Right now as I sit on the floor of my room staring at my bottles, I really just want to go back to Game Stop because that reality is sooooo much better then this one. 

11/4/2016
So now I'm here, the start of my first weekly chemo treatment and I'm not sure I'm ready, weekly for 12 weeks, but in the cancer world you don't have a choice to be ready or not, you just put your head down and go.

Sitting with me always are my parents.  Mom is always here and my step dad has been by my side through all of the testing and a few treatments.  My step mom and my dad have been at all the chemo appointments they can.  It's amazing to know that even at 30 my parents are still my parents.   I mean it's not like I didn't know they loved me but as you grow you start your own path and  maybe you don't see each other every day and maybe you don't talk to each other every day anymore.  They are still your parents and you still love them with all your heart but you loose that amazement you had for them as a kid,  the amazement that they could do no wrong and that every word they ever spoke was true and right.   Typically when I thought about my parents prior to my diagnosis I was happy.  I felt they did a great job raising  me and coming from a divorced home I thought I was one of the lucky ones.  My parents rarely fought and they showed up to everything for me.  I never had to look around and see  my parents sitting in different areas of the basketball stadiums.  I never had to miss anything because I was at my dad.  Everyone always made it happen.  So I guess as I type that now WHY am I so surprised at the response they are giving me now.  I shouldn't be.  They are being those parents.  The ones cheering me on together.  I guess my good ol' basketball days show me who my parents are then and now.  I am never going to look up and not see all of them there.  MAN I AM LUCKY!!

Anyway, I digressed a little, chemo.  So a few posts ago I think I told you about how they put on these suits when it comes to the medicine they are putting into my body.  I tried to get a picture of it today but it wasn't great.  Wasn't sure the nurse would want a full blown picture so this is what I managed to get.

The gloves and the blue apron thing and yep she is holding the medicine, Taxol.  Now that I am on weekly I am no longer receiving two meds.  only one.  This one is suppose to be a little better for me.  I still have to be careful to not get sick,  I could still become nauseated, my finger nails have the potential to fall off, and I could develop neuropathy (?) where I loose feeling in my fingers and my toes.  They tell me that it should go away once the medicine stops but there is a small chance that it could last or I may never experience it.  They say that acupuncture is really good for it and that if it starts I should contact the free service available to me through the cancer center.  What really scares me though is that it COULD LAST!  I was so healthy before this diagnosis.  Made a choice to be the healthiest I had ever been just a year prior and after all of this is said and done  I could have neuropathy, lymphodema, no breasts and who knows what other side effects I will be told about as the time goes on.  The only thing I can tell myself to make it all okay is that I WILL STILL BE ALIVE and everything else I can manage.  The other thing I think about alot that keeps me going is that children go through this.  Children are going through worse all the time.  If they can  be strong enough and do it then man I need to buck up and get through it too!

So the only other things I really wanted to share this week are just interesting to me.  The pictures may be graphic to some and maybe you aren't comfortable looking at them. But again I am here to tell  my story and to educate anyone about this disease.  We talk about it, we know about it but we rarely see the truths behind it.  I think it's because we are taught that this area of our body is private, we don't show it, and we spend a lot of our time wishing they looked different. So when it comes to cancer in them we are afraid to show people,  it feels weird, at least to me, and I want to break that barrier.  It's not weird, we need to say it more, we need to look at images more if for nothing else but to protect ourselves.

 I had my biopsy on September 1st.  Being two months in you would think that it would just be a scar now.

My skin basically has a hard time healing because of the way the cancer sits.  From what I understand it's in the ducts and skin so the skin is all sorts of messed up.  My whole breast is basically a tumor instead of just one area holding the tumor.  So my biopsy area is just now at this point.  the picture doesn't truly depict what it looks like but it is still a hole, and it still has gung, that's my technical term for whatever comes out of your body when trying to heal. I have to still place a band aid on it every morning.  Really it's gross.  I am use to the body healing so quickly so it is sorta mind blowing to see what the cancer has done to my skin.   

Another picture that I wanted to share is 

The other day I was examining myself, like I do every day because I am constant hoping that I will feel a drastic difference to be assured the chemo is working and I noticed a piece of skin just hanging off.  So I peeled it.  Leaving this section.  When I asked my  Oncologists, Physicians Assistant yesterday she said she believed it was the chemo killing off the tumor cells.  So the cells just died and peeled off.  The body is so amazing and yet strange.


AGAIN, as always I want to end this post positively.  Blakelee is my little worrier girl.  Always by my side, sometimes to much, and always asking questions.  She is hungry for knowledge about what is going on with me.  Boston on the other hand.........well she is 11 and as long as I am there to clean her clothes, make her food, and tell her goodnight she really only cares about herself, and I mean that in the most sincere way.    So the other day Blakelee brought a scarf to me and asked me if I could do it like mine.  So we did.  she looked so cute and I loved her for wanting to be like mommy, because in the beginning she was so worried about what people would think of my having to wear scarves and hats and have no hair.  Children, especially mine, are amazing!