Where to begin...............
The morning of February 21st I was so calm. I woke up, took the girls to school, showered, came home and joked around with Rob. My mom and step father met us at my house. We drove to Bend where my step mom and dad were waiting for us. I had what they call a centinal lymph node procedure, basically a dye was shot into my right breast via the nipple and allowed the surgeon to see the path that my breast drained so that he was able to remove 2 lymph nodes. Those two lymph nodes would be sent for pathology. If they came back with any trace of cancer he would remove all of the lymph nodes in the drainage path on the right side. This procedure only needed to be done on the right side because we already knew the lymph nodes on the left were infected. After this procedure was completed my parents and I walked to the pre surgery waiting area and met up with my best of friends, my pastor, and prayer team person and friend Heather. While sitting and waiting for the nurse to come and take me back for surgery I was so calm. Nothing in me was that scared. I can say without a doubt it was because of all of you! I asked you all to send me love and you did so successfully that all I can think is you put out into the universe the love and support you all have for me and it affected me. I was not alone that day. I was being touched spiritually and universally. For that I have no words. I will forever believe that without all of you on Facebook and my phone, and the prayer teams across the United States praying for Me I never would have been as calm as I was. I made it to surgery without taking an anxiety med that day. In my world that is a HUGE accomplishment.
The morning of February 21st I was so calm. I woke up, took the girls to school, showered, came home and joked around with Rob. My mom and step father met us at my house. We drove to Bend where my step mom and dad were waiting for us. I had what they call a centinal lymph node procedure, basically a dye was shot into my right breast via the nipple and allowed the surgeon to see the path that my breast drained so that he was able to remove 2 lymph nodes. Those two lymph nodes would be sent for pathology. If they came back with any trace of cancer he would remove all of the lymph nodes in the drainage path on the right side. This procedure only needed to be done on the right side because we already knew the lymph nodes on the left were infected. After this procedure was completed my parents and I walked to the pre surgery waiting area and met up with my best of friends, my pastor, and prayer team person and friend Heather. While sitting and waiting for the nurse to come and take me back for surgery I was so calm. Nothing in me was that scared. I can say without a doubt it was because of all of you! I asked you all to send me love and you did so successfully that all I can think is you put out into the universe the love and support you all have for me and it affected me. I was not alone that day. I was being touched spiritually and universally. For that I have no words. I will forever believe that without all of you on Facebook and my phone, and the prayer teams across the United States praying for Me I never would have been as calm as I was. I made it to surgery without taking an anxiety med that day. In my world that is a HUGE accomplishment.
The Mastectomy was performed Tuesday, Feb 21st. Tumors in both sides had grown at a rapid pace since my last visit in my surgeons office and MRI. When I had the MRI biopsy on my right side the tumor was 2cm when it was removed in surgery the tumor was 7cm. This growth was over, roughly, a 2 week period. My surgeon did not give a measurement for the left side, Large!
When I came out of surgery on the 21st I was given the news.
My right side was a beautiful surgery. My surgeon had removed the tumor and the rest of the tissue, along with lymph nodes. The incision closed nicely and 2 drains were placed. Cancer in the right side was gone.
My left side on the other hand was much to large to close. My surgeon, who had a release to perform a skin graft if needed, did not want to perform the skin graft until he knew if the margins, the outside skin tissue, was clear of cancer. So my left side was attached to what they call a wound vac and the open incision, tissue, hole (whatever you want to call it) was left open until my surgeon received news about the remaining tissue.
Wound Vac machine and then it had a tube attached to me and going into a canister looking thing. |
During my surgery my surgeon called people in for 2nd opinions. My radiation oncologist and my plastic surgeon were both called into the OR to give opinions. I feel grateful to have a doctor who cared so much that he got a 2nd and 3rd opinion.
On Thursday Feb. 23rd my surgeon came in to my hospital room and said "well kiddo I don't have good news" The skin remaining on my left side was not clear. It still contained cancer cells. As my surgeon told us the results and the next step I was in shock. I sort of just stared at him. Not sure what to say. How in the world did this cancer grow so much? How did my 16 rounds of chemo not kill it. It had already showed up in the right breast, WHY WOULD IT NOT GIVE ME A BREAK!
We felt that in not so many words that my surgeon was saying that he didn't trust he could get clear margins and that maybe we were better off just getting the wound closed and me onto radiation. He left my hospital room that night with my whole family feeling the same way.......worse case scenario, the next day we would be going in to close me up and pray that radiation would do what it needed to do. Without allowing this nasty cancer to spread any further.
I truly believe this cancer is baffling all of my doctors. It is so aggressive!
That night my mom and Michelle gave me a sponge bath as requested by my surgeon (More on this topic in a blog post to come). I ate dinner and I went to sleep with my mom and Rob laying next to me in my hospital room. Everyone else went home. All of us a bit scared but ready to face the next day.
The next day prior to my 2nd surgery I received a phone call from my oncologist, FINALLY! I hadn't heard from her since we found out the cancer was in my left side also. After the news from the previous night I needed to speak with her. I needed to know she had a plan outside of surgery and radiation. When she called she informed me that she was in California at a convention but was fully aware of my situation and had been thinking about it. She had 2 options off the top of her head. One was to place me on chemo pills before and during radiation. Two was to send off the tissue to a specialized lab to really see what the make up of this tumor was because it's aggressiveness was even more then typical inflammatory breast cancer. She is wondering if it has make up of a tumor not consistent with breast cancer but of one you would find in another area of the body. If so there is always an option to treat me with more chemo therapy that is not typically used in the treatment of breast cancer. In the end she decided to do both. She is going to have me on chemo pills at home and she was sending my tissue off for further testing. I have not yet started the chemo pills because she has been waiting to hear from my surgeon. She wants his okay for me to start them prior to fully being healed. Apparently, the pills do not mess with the white blood cells so she thinks I would still heal nicely and that my surgeon will be on board but we are currently just waiting. Speaking with her was a relief. I needed to know she was on board with me and she made it really clear that she is. She said "im here with you, we are together fighting this" I know she has a ton of patients and really I am just another one but in that moment I felt like I was the only one and that is truly what I needed.
This packaging makes me feel safe......Chemo Pills |
Friday, Feb. 24th I went back in for my 2nd surgery. So for those who have not had a surgery lately or any at all the pre op portion takes you through a bunch of questions along with signing of agreements and telling multiple people what will be happening in the OR. You also see and speak with your doctor, the anesthesiologist, and the OR nurse. During this time I signed a paper stating that I would be having a skin graft from my thigh and placing it on my left side, along with the removing of another inch of skin. Then my plastic surgeon came into my waiting area and informed me that I would not be having the grafting that day. They were going to take another inch of skin and send it for pathology. My plastic surgeon was the one who was going to perform the skin graft and my surgeon was going to assist him but in that moment I found out that my surgeon would be performing the extra inch of skin removal and my plastic surgeon would be assisting. I was shocked. Why were they going to do this. What did it matter if my surgeon didn't think he could get to clear skin. This meant another surgery. More waiting, more hospital time. Frustration was all I thought but did not question because I fully trust these doctors. They have gained my trust and I was wanting them to do what they felt was best to get this cancer out of my body. Needless to say I went into surgery a little confused and a lot frustrated and came out the same way. Man, was I angry when I came out of anesthesia. My previous surgery I was not this way. I did not feel angry when I was waking up. Possibly because I felt relief that it was over, not knowing right away that it wasn't.
Saturday, Feb. 25th. My surgeon came into my room on his rounds. He checked my wound vac and he spoke with me about the surgery. Apparently my plastic surgeon did not want to try and attach grafted healthy skin to cancerous tissue. He wanted to try for clear margins. My surgeons response to this was "I hope we made the right choice". Later that day my plastic surgeon came in and explained to me his side. Again, I trusted my surgeons and it made me happy that they were working together. Although I was angry with the sudden change the day prior I felt okay with there decision on Saturday. Both surgeons said they would be bugging pathology all weekend but we probably wouldn't know anything until Monday.
Sunday, Feb. 26th. my wound vac started acting up. It was loosing suction and I was stressing out. One nurse came in and messed with it a little and it continued to work for a couple more hours but by Sunday night it was acting up again. The best part was that the wound care nurses are not there on the weekend and therefore these type of scenarios are left to the nurses on that floor. So most of my day I was being touched, and poked, and prodded because they wanted to fix it and because it needed to be fixed. None of the nurses wanted me in pain but they needed to keep the wound vac working at least until Monday when the wound nurses were back.
Rob holding my Wound Vac and walking me....errrr walking with me. |
Monday, Feb 27th- the wound vac worked all night, slowly, but it worked and a wound nurse came into my room pretty promptly on Monday morning. She was able to fix the vac and I was able to let down my stress level.
Also on this day my surgeon had come in bright and early to let me know that he had not recieved the pathology report but that he would be back in tonight to let me know if he had any information. Well in the middle of the day I was taking a nap and as I started to wake up my family was gone from my room. I didn't think much of it and just slowly started to wake up. As I started to open my eyes my mom and sister opened my hospital room and my mom flashed a sign at me that said "CLEAR MARGINS!" They had been in the hall talking to my surgeon on the phone.
Just noticed I wrote the wrong date on the paper. 2-27-17 |
The risk he had agreed to take with my plastic surgeon got us clear margins! I had no words. I just covered my face and cried for a moment. I still have no words to describe how I felt in that moment, how I feel today. It was something I was so angry about and yet gave it up to my surgeons and trusted them to make the best choice for me and it worked.
Now as I have said before I am working on my faith. I am learning everyday and trying hard to understand how to trust in God and how he plays a role in my life. So if I reach deep into what I am learning and try to bring that to the front of this experience. I want to say that God had his hand in that Friday decision. He guided the decision of my surgeons. Maybe that's part of learning how to trust in God, trusting in the people he made doctors. I can't even pretend to know how to fully give it up to God but I'm learning and experiences like this only show me how to keep trying.
Tuesday, Feb 28th. 3rd surgery day. Surgery went great. I went in ready to close up the wound and be finished with surgery. Doctors and nurses both warned me that the graft sites on my legs would be more painful then the actual left side of my chest. I was ready and accepting of that. Surgery went well and as expected. I woke up a happy camper, making jokes with the nurses and my plastic surgeon. I don't remember them all or even that I was being silly but apparently I was according to my mom and Rob. I was wheeled back to my room and really that's about all I remember from that night.
Everyone was correct, the legs proved to be the most uncomfortable part of all three surgery. Getting up was difficult, walking was difficult and on Wednesday the plastic they had placed as a protection had formed a hole and the blood was coming out on the left side. This alarmed my doctor and by Thursday he was placing holes in both plastic pieces on the right and left and draining the blood. Once he did this he said everything was okay. I was not loosing more blood then anticipated. He wrapped my legs really well and I put on spandex pants. I looked ridiculous (the pictures don't even give it justice) but I had fun with it.
By Friday afternoon the fun was gone. The plastic on the left side had started pulling down and I was feeling everything rub against my open skin. Painful is not even a powerful enough word to describe what I was feeling. My day nurse was so sweet. She did her best to keep wrapping my legs with different things, trying to find the best option with least pain but the more I walked the more the plastic pulled down and the more pain I had. By Friday night I was done. I went to the bathroom and pulled my pants down the pain from barely touching the area shot through my body and I couldn't help but break down. I was done. The pain had proven to beat me and I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't move, I didn't want to have anything else to drink because I didn't want to go to the bathroom. By this point my night nurse had came on shift and was trying to call the on call doctor to see what they could do. Apparently, they are informed not to touch the plastic so they needed approval for anything. she was given approval to put this wet like, fabric, yellow stuff on the open areas and to wrap me up. Once she did this it felt so much better. So Saturday and Sunday the nurse and I spent the days patching areas that hurt and recovering my leg. It worked, maybe not the best, but it worked. Sunday night rolled around and I started to experience more pain. So my night nurse and I started to examine what was happening now. So looked into it and she felt it was the yellow stuff hardening on my leg now. So she started to try and take it off. Thinking we could remove and put softer stuff on. Well this was awful. It peeled scabs and hurts so bad. She tried getting it moist but that wasn't working. In the end we gave up and we re wrapped my leg. I was just careful not to move around a lot that night. When my surgeon came in on Monday morning he looked at the yellow mess and said he would have to think about that area and how to get it off. He said he would be back to take my wound vac off and wrap my leg and chest. Luckily, I had a brilliant nurse who put a ton of neosporin type ointment on it and we let it sit. I realized that once this was working I could peal off the yellow pieces myself and I started peeling at it all day. It was still painful but nothing compared to the night before and I wanted to get it done instead of the dr coming in and ripping it off causing even more pain. It worked. Minutes before my surgeon came into my room I had managed to get all of the yellow stuff off. My leg was not happy but I felt accomplished. Warning Pictures may be graphic for some.
Monday, March 6- my surgeon removed the wound vac. He examined the skin graft. It had taken almost by 100%. He told me it wouldn't look good to me but that it was beautiful. I wouldn't know because I have not looked at myself and have no plans on doing so yet. As of now I can't anyway. I am all wrapped up. The nurse and my mom agreed that it looked good. When you are in a situation like this all you can think is.......how can anything look good.
The removal of the wound vac did not hurt as bad as I had anticipated. the only time I really was in pain and cried was when they removed the tube from my skin. It was a deep pain. The removal of the stitches and staples were fine. Once it was removed he just wrapped me up and I was finished. In that moment I got dressed and felt this wave of emotion of come over me. I just started crying, couldn't stop myself and couldn't help it. So my surgeon gave me permission to spend one more night in the hospital and as crazy as it was I needed too. It was late in the afternoon anyway and I needed to just rest and breath.
Tuesday, March 7th- I went home. I was home by 10 and spent the day resting. Bring home has proven to be a challenge. I want to try and do to much. Right after I take meds I probably push myself a bit to much. Actually sleeping has been okay. Got myself a cozy set up in my bed and my aunt brought me a small recliner that has been wonderful. I have different appointments coming up on various days but for the most part I am just working on healing and getting my arms above my head.